我一定會不再愛你

苦澀的戀愛 我的難過 他卻樂在其中

他說他能給我的愛 就只能那麼多
我已經忘了他曾經給予的傷害 曾經狠狠的把我一個人丟在陌生的地方

感情出現了分岔
他能給的是分離的選擇
我能給的卻是委屈求全

別人說 失去才懂得珍惜
但曾經的失去並沒有讓他學會珍惜

我討厭這樣的自己 為什麼不勇敢地轉身離去 而是留在原地 一而再的退讓我的原則

我不懂 曾經他給予的陪伴與愛 去了哪
我知道 自己的付出 總有一天將幻化成煙

我不懂 自己為何會一再的退讓
曾經每個週末 我們都會放下所有 開心的出去約會
現在卻將快樂減半 我不再是他的第一

他說 他可以肯定 我可以放心的是 他愛我
他問我 為什麼達成不了我的期待 我卻還要繼續

不明顯嗎 不明白嗎
心裡多麼的清楚 但卻還是義無反顧的愛下去

有一天 有一天 這個傻女生的愛將會停的
我逐漸不再期待 也逐漸不再依賴
他給予誠實的告白 再一次的刺傷我

我說 我會減少我對你的愛 以讓我們之間達到平衡
為什麼一對情侶的解決方法是減少愛
而不是你選擇愛我多一點

我忍不住的哭了
不知道自己做錯什麼 又讓自己回到這個谷底 心臟隱隱的作痛 我不應該再讓過去的回憶 欺騙自己他有多愛我

有一天 我一定會不再愛你

Gangsta

NZ is kinda same like Mr.AB, their nationality is different but same as Morocco mixed with Spain. Kinda unexpected he said yes when I required that we need to know more than a month before met.
But we met after a week of talk. It was really nice to be with him but some time he reminded me about AB with those bad memories. Hug me generously and said will give me time to get over it.

He called me every morning to wake me up, the sweetest one that i ever met.
He would be there whenever i need him.

It's really great to be with him since i am a hyper insecure person.

We broke up after a month because of a tiny matter in a trip.
Location same as AB abandoned me.
A thousand question marks in my mind during the journey.

A month later he texted me back, it actually ruined one of my day.
Crying for hours when i was in the ruthless moment.
I do not understand why you texted me back and just saying sorry.
Do not bring it back when I moved on.

A week later, I texted him because of biological parents stuff.
I can not stop my tears and he came to me.
He acted like we never been apart, I was avoiding his hand and kiss at the first.
I keep my silence when he hugging me.
I am kinda regret for not asking at the first and let the thing happened.

He apologized to me and said regret for what he did to me last month.
We got back together because of  those sweetly memories that we had.
I thought we could handle the problem better since we been apart and could be treat each other nicer.

We talked to each other honestly like why were we broke up at the trip.
First time we know each other step by step and were going with the flows.
Secondly we got back it quick and it makes me feel hyper insecure again.

The first week he came to me whenever I need his companies, even tho he had his exams.
Maybe it is my fault, people getting greedy once they lured deeper.
He is actually being careless compared to the last time. Maybe of the exams or I hurt him before.

I know I should not be like this, I should not keep asking for the same question repeatedly.
I can feel he's started to be lack of patience on my questions.

He told me several part of my weaknesses in the relationship.
Everyone have the right to says no to the thing they do not want to.
I should not feel mad when he says no. Maybe I should speak and fix the problem instead of be quiet.

But I do not why he started to be careless or I should take it as the real of him.

He asked me to bear for my own bills if we were going to the beach next week.
I called several of friends and ask them to teach me to speak it in a softly way.
Maybe just say yes and be with him if he wanted me to be there.

I asked him to wake me up in the second morning, he said no again.
Yea he started to say plenty of no on my requests.

This is our second time we been together, I cared him more than the first.
Maybe no more comparing NZ and AB, I lure in quick and deep in a week. Almost forgotten the previous lesson and scar but I just feel he's in the opposite way, lesser and lesser.

Maybe because of my greedy and he just keep saying as you wish when I tried to breakup.
I started to feel that he might feeling guilty to me since he said he dreamt about me crying.
I do not like this kind of relationship, like I am the only one who keep trying to put afford on it.

I tried to be cold today, and did what he told me.
Do not stay home and hangout with friend, tried to reduce the attention on him.
He called me when I was having dinner with Yap.
I do not know why  the relationship could be co complicated.

He might not my type and not the one I want.
But do not why or what making me so desperately to wanna be with him.

Maybe time will proves all the lies and promises.
He started to be like AB now.

Would you mind closing the bedroom door?

" then we won't get awkward. " He said.
He's the second one who brought me this bad feeling.

First is Mr.James who used to crushes on my 10y best friend-Kay.
He was a pretty good potential guy, graduated in law degree and bar in Cardiff.
Still being friend with him and he's the one changed me a lot in my life.
Studied hard for him. Because I was lack of confidence in front of him.

No one knows I liked him that much. Included himself.

I hate this feeling.
The guy I like and he used to crushes on my best friends.
Even tho it's a pass tense, but still not feeling well to this shit.
Because they will closer than you ever !! Turned on all my jealousy in mind.

Second one who brought me this bad feeling - Mr. Maya. I met him last month - June.
He's my cousin's friend. I was being with Mr A.B last time.He looks cute and funny when he's dancing, kinda looks like a turtle =D

I didn't even get a chance to know him on the first met.

16th July second met, I got super drunk and he was taking care of me a whole night.
Haha thanks for Adam too, He took me hundred glass of water.
I like Maya chest and the way he taking care a girl.
The only thing keep sucking in my mind was my cousin keep hugging him.
Of course I know Maya used to crushes on my cousin and in a serious way.
I can feel that from the way he treats my cousin.

Anyways it was a great night.
He took my phone and doesn't allowed to me keep texting someone who never reply.
I hit my head and cried on his chest when I hear justin bieber's song.
I like he hold my hand when we walking on the street.
We were on the first try on W that a chinese guy brought.

When he was alone in Zian room, he called me in and asked me to close the bedroom door.
To avoid getting awkward, but my cousin and the chinese guy were still making us awkward.
Haha we were like saying nothing and looking to the one who open the door.
I was too drunk, sleepy and don't like the feeling. So we did nothing and sleep.

He was gentlemen a whole night, never touched my body.
Maybe I am not that sexy as my cousin does.
Everyone thought I was the younger one or never expected my real age.
Maybe I acted or wore too childish, always like a little girl instead of a lady.

Still wishing to met him again.
Sent a request to his Instagram and knew he is preparing for his muay thai soon.

Like the guy who doesn't smoke.
So I am going to quit too.

*decided to bring every of my boyfriend to the place i raised.
New land house with infinity pool and lake gonna be hided.

Pretend to be a zero, I am not going to take anyone advantage.
I hate cheat. Because action always speaks louder than word.
Just looking someone who could brings happiness to each other's lives.
Not for marriage, Not for parents, Not for luxuries.

Cherish today and treasure the present moment.
Who knows what will come first ? Tomorrow or the unexpected?

Mr A.B

I don't remember which date we got a match on tinder app.
He tried to talk to me with his little broke english.
It is hard for me to understanding what he's trying to says.

18th June 2016 Morning
We suppose to have a dinner after my work but he didn't reply me msg for a whole day.
I thought he's gone. When he texted me back and I already got my dinner with friend later.

Evening
I felt bored and texted him again.
Unexpected we got a lot of things to talk ( of course with his broke english that I am not fully understanding ) I said I am hungry and let's go for supper in the nearest mcd in my area.
He came far away by grab with around 60rm.
He is not that good looking as my expected. Met and not talking much at the first 5 mins.
He went out for smoke and I order for my spicy chicken deluxe. On my own treat.

He said: Can I kiss you? I know you will say no if I straightly asked like now. But still I wanna ask.
I laugh, not really sure now to response to this.
He said he was rush to come and no wearing underwear and much cash now.
I shocked, Why he need to be rush?
He shows me his mother , korean ex , life and work photos on phone.
I am not responding much on it. Not sure what to do to this.

Around midnight 2am
He told me he left 10rm cash and phone dead.
This is the first time i worry about him, because I am the one who asking him goes this far to have supper with me. I need to make sure he could got home safety.
He kissed my lips as goodbye kiss and said he doesn't wanna use my money when I trying to book a grab for him.

Around midnight 4am
I found my msg still could reached his phone and I don't know whether he's safe or not.
I ordered uber and get back to mcd to find him. I asked the driver to drove to the shop around to find him. Still found nothing.
I got home around 5am and sleep with a heart full of worries.

19th June 2016
I woke up early in the morning and I found his msg.
Surprised that he still reply me in this morning, and he said he haven't sleep for a night.
We met at pavillion at the morning. He is wearing a sunglasses because the redness of staying up a whole night. I suggested to have my favourite nandos but he brought me to the KFC.
I got mad and feel bad for my first date. "Why I can't choose the restaurant that I like? "
I was going away from the KFC and get into a japanese restaurant.
I sat there for 15mins and asked myself.
He is not sleeping a whole night and went this far for me. I should not be this to him.
I get back to the restaurant and he is gone.
I called him and he said he's on the grab going home now.

I don't know why I asked him for the address and wish to talk to him.
At the end of the struggle story, we met at the China town.
He waited me there for 20 mins long, and I am worry he will be gone again.

He got a haircut during the 20mins of waiting.
We hugged when we met. And he hold my hand walking on the street.
He said he wanna bring me to his mother.
This is also the first time we take LRT to KLCC together.
I paid for our first movie and had our first kiss in the cinema just like a normal couple.
We hold each other hands walking in the park, took pictures. I was feeling great to be with this guy.
Even tho he is not speaking fluent in english.

Dinner time
He said he lose 7k money in casino this month.
and living in 200 budget a day. He wanted me to understand that.
I feel bad that not having a proper date.
He showed me his passport and wanted me to believe him.

22th June 2016
He needs to go Hong Kong later.
And I am working in a restaurant , still he came far for seeing me 2hours.
That day I feel happy with him and start to love this guy who always comes far for me.

23th June 2016
He got back from Hong Kong and I am waiting him 2 hours long in the mall.
I don't know why I could forgive him in the first 10 mins that I see him.
I know he takes a long journey in a day and we went for shisha.
The first night we had, in a very simple and crude hotel.
Never do this again.

Keep asking myself.
Is the relationship goes too fast and how he would think about me?
An easy girl and I am not.

He said wanna live around my place and we are looking a house for rent.
He told me his salary and budget wanted me to understand it.
He doesn't like the house I picked even tho he said just do whatever I like.

We met again for the movie at night .
He agreed me go to club with cousin at the night and didn't wanna go with me together.
He sent me a msg at midnight 2:49am and said I lied him because of he saw me talk with a guy who asked my number.
I out the club and looking for him straightly and he turned off his phone.
I went home and keep texting calling him.
Second morning he still no reply. I think he blocked me and really leave.

He finally texted me back at 9:45pm at the midnight.
We met at my place. This is the second time I invited a guy to my place after my first love.
He left me at 7 am.

Everything goes worse after this met.
To be continue.

It happenned and I try to adapting

I used to be single. I am good enough to being single.
I thought I will be forever alone in rest of my life. I reject everyone who tried to stay with me.
For me, accompany is an addict in life. It brings plenty of sadness emotional.
At the started, you might feel happy to having someone who willing to stay with you. Someone is sharing your happiness,sadness or loneliness.
But nothing will be forever. Thing will be end someday...

I swear I will never make myself hapless again. I swear I will never trust to any vow.

Ya, I broke my words.

23 march 15
I ask for his number. Only for fun, without any sign.
I shocked that he is younger than me 6 years. He still a secondary school student.
What the hell was i done? Am I flirting with underage teenager?

After a few days of conversation
When he smile with the girl who sitting behind us, I started to be jealous.
I know I am being abnormal. I had over care about him.
I asked him " Are you crush on me? "
He denied. But after few times of teasing each other.
We confess that both of us got the feeling in our mind.
Okay, I told him to wait and see how later. Maybe the feeling will disappear soon?

But I changed my mind after few days,
Hmm.... I told my self to be steady and end this messy stuff.
"He is just an underage." is keep mentioning in my head.
I start to argue with him everyday.
Ya, I am trying to mess him up. All I want is he to give up on me.

But, he didn't.

29 March 2015
The day I kissed his cheek when we said goodbye to each other.

30 March 2015
I asked for another handsome guy's number.
He did not, He was there again.

31 March 2015 Midnight 
Uncle asthma attack, and we argue again. He left me behind.
Meen almost rape by someone, and I find him to buy after pill for her.
And this is the first time he said " I LOVE YOU" to me.
in the bus stop in front of school when after class.
I kissed his neck after that.

1 April 2015
I asked him to leave again. And he still wondering is that April Fool?

Every time when we fight , and he agreed to my irrational words.
The moment that I thought I will lost him forever, I knew I was taking bloody serious to him.
Because I feel ache inside my heart. Is it heartache?

I don't know.
What I am sure is it is not fun at all. He is getting important to me.

8 April 2015

Our first kiss. But we were not couple.

Because I told him to have a kissing practice. And he said yes.

Even though He knew I have kissed another before the day we kiss.

He forgive me. 

10 April 2015 

Our second kiss.

11 April 2015

I kissed another guy, but I did not tell.

12 April 2015

I have late for 10 minutes and this is our first movie date [ Fast and Furious 7 ]

also my hookah first try. I saw he finish his haircut.

This was the best date that I ever had.

I fall into him seriously. 

14 April 2015

I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said yes.

15 April 2015 

When I said " Baby, I miss you now. Can you stand in front of me? "

He were really take the taxi and stand in front me within an hour.

We having supper and met his friends in the cafe. 

This is the first time I saw he dance, hmmm.... I think he have a side other that I never know.

I stay up with him a whole night. And he said, he love me more.

and I trust it.

17 April 2015

We have a really bad date.

I have late again, and this was 20 minutes.

Because I have setting a wrong destination in the myteksi app.

How stupid am I? huh?

I pushed him away when we were kissing.

Yeah, I am bloody hell and I know it. WHY?

I don't know. I just not in the mood. 

What I want is just hug him tightly.

But he changed. He is not that tolerance to me anymore.

When I turn around he was not standing behind me anymore.

He didn't reply me message, or maybe he just pretend that he never see it.

I sat in the monorail and don't know where to go. 

I choose the opposite one. I don't want to go home.

when I back to my conscious , I saw myself was stay at his home station- Titiwangsa.

Ya, Why I will be there?

We confess the problem that we had to each other.

and said will try to have a trip after his final exam in May.

I love him more than he thought. 

At night, He said " Baby, I was sleepy now. Good night "

He changed, He never talk to me like that.

He used to stay with me even though he is tired. 

We will stay with each other until one of us is sleep.

I trust him again, and didn't say any about my thought.

I texted him 100 times of I miss you and some disgusting words in the night

And his last seen is hanging there " 12:00am "

18 April 2015

11:30 am I have done my Japanese language test. 

He is have not reply me yet.

hmmm.... already sleep for 11 hours??

and suddenly I found that he have lied to me.

His messenger last seen was at 5am.

and his Instagram was updated at 4am.

Ya, Why are you ignoring me? 

I was getting mad at that moment.

I deleted all his stuff in my phone include unfriended him.

and screenshot the "evidence "to him.

Blaming him why did you make me disappointed ?

Finally, he replied me at 4:10pm.

And said he just woke up. His reason is all of his friends go his all sociality apps password.

What the fuck?

I love him very well, and I don't know why I can't control myself at that moment.

Maybe I was getting mad because of he treating me like a fool yesterday?

He lied.

As what I know him, He will wake up at 4pm will only in one reason.

He slept at 5 or 6 am yesterday night.

And he said, he is done with my blaming.

What the hell? Sometime what I want is discuss. To makes our relationship become better.

But for him, maybe every of my words is all blaming.

Ya, I know he is going to leave.

He said he is still love me but he can't stay anymore.

I was definitely lost all control. I get drunk immediately.

I cried few hours to begging him to stay.

But he did well this time. He is good ruthless person that I never met.

He asked why I cry?

Ya...Why I cry? He really don't know how much I love him.

We have broke up.

He used to the one who never leave.

I knew he found a new girl who same age with me.

Ya, It happens in a week after we broke up.

This is what kind of love he gave me. I know.

Easily to replaced by anyone.

Fuck off to vow, Fuck off to guy, Fuck off to love.

I get the addict reaction since we broke.

I missing him everyday until now.

I used to be single for 5 years. But now I am hard to adapt it again.

Am I played by a kid?

I was worrying that I might be hurt him, I keep stay a distance with him.

I don't want to hurt him but I dumped by him too.

Maybe I shouldn't worry for another. Self-defence is more important.

9 May 2015

I found out he blocked me in facebook and unfollowed me in instagram.

I didn't bothering him after we broke. 

Why you did this to me again?? I don't even update my account frequently.

Conclusion:

I love him but he didn't.

Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the person you thought would never hurt you.